There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Operation Purity has been aborted
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
