I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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