i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
