Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
3pm strippers are depressing
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
