I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
