Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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