Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
