the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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