in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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