I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
