we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
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It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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Floor bacon is actually really good
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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