If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
