I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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