After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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