in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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