I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
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And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
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I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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