lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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