i already hear my dad disowning me
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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