My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
They left me at home... I'm a liability
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
