Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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