I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Mom said you looked used
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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