Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
