The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
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idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
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It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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