I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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