I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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