I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
