i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
