Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
