She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
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drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
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I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders