i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas