i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
