Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
