I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
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we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
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I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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