it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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