not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
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i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
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That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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