I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
