Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
