He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
