I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
These tits shall not be calmed
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
