I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
