I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
