this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
