I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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