Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
