I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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