I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
