Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
