I could make wine with my vomit
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
