My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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