toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
