It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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