i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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