u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
