I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
