ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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