I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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