In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
