Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
