The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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